As a woman of Stomach Hurting experience, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t especially attentive to the bathroom situation any time I left the house. Bars, offices, theme parks, my college graduation, the set of Succession – I familiarize myself with my exits and my potties.
To commemorate baby’s first colonoscopy this week (yes, this whole Hot Girls Have Tummy Problems thing is not a trend but a lifestyle for yours truly) I thought it’d be the perfect time to do a Burger Diva all about a place that came across my desk by virtue of their restroom.
The Baroness in Long Island City advertises themselves on Google Maps with the description “wines, cocktails & burgers at a laid-back bar offering a comfy, retro vibe.” Many signs around the restaurant boast that it has the best burgers in Queens. Absolutely none of this foreshadows what waits for you after you’ve had a couple of beers and head downstairs to the commode.
I sat down with my friend Madison and agreed that while we were excited to see what was in store for us, we had to get through our meal first. The Baroness has a whopping 12 variations on a burger, the classic Christina’s dozen. They vary from no frills to topped with ham, chips and a fried egg, ranging from $15 - $23, all served with fries or a salad.
I was torn between the simplest option, the Dixie, which is topped with rosemary aioli and molasses barbecue sauce on a potato roll or a classic double smash with all the fixings. Since the menu boasted a brisket and short rib blend for the patty, I figured I’d opt for the thicker more basic option at $15. Madison and I both ordered our burgers medium and eagerly awaited our meals.
When our food came out, I was instantly transported to the year 2014, as each meal was placed on top of a wooden cutting board. Sauce drizzled across the plank just loose. There was a steak knife stabbed through what seems like a perfectly structurally sound sandwich. Sure, I’ll play along. The burger is probably super juicy and needs the load bearing utensil.
This burger was half well done and medium well. This burger was BONE DRY. This burger was ultimately carried on the shoulders of the two pretty good sauces and unfuckupable potato roll. It’s not the worst burger I’ve had but it was so disappointing that this would have easily been Pretty Good with a couple of minutes less on the grill top.
But as I shared earlier, the burger wasn’t the draw. It was merely the bonus, an extra, a supplementary reason to get me through the door. I finished up eating and knew it was time to descend to my actual destination.
Just a few steps down and I could already hear the Irish penny whistle we all know and love. One turn and then one more and there it was: The Celine Dion themed bathroom. Lyrics painted on the mirror, a faux flame flickering over a mural of Jack, Rose and Celine herself with a lit up replica of the Heart of the Ocean necklace as a centerpiece.
The song plays on loop while you do your business and the stalls contain diagrams and signs arguing that Jack and Rose both could have fit on the door. The Celine of it all is attributed to two different events centered at The Baroness. The first occurrence was the singer herself using the restroom at the original location (so: not here) and the second was Hurricane Ian battering Queens in 2020 and contributing to the weather worn appearance that could rival a sunken ship.
As a bit lover™ I admire the razzle dazzle. As a burger lover, I have to wonder if more time was sunk into this gimmick than into food prep. I’m placing the Dixie burger at The Baroness at 34, between the old fashioned burger at Schnippers and the classic smash at Gotham Burger Social Club.
Are there any better burgers that also boast a quirked up bathroom? Let me know!